Monday, March 23, 2009

In a few days time, I would have completed 22 full orbits of the sun. I've never really fully reflected on my life in an entirety, so I actually decided that I should today. This might be a long one, but it's really for my own reference in time to come.

Starting from the years back before and till the point I left Primary School. I never achieved much then, let's see:
1) I made Head-Prefect in Primary 6 - I did lose my Prefect badge when I was in Primary 5, for playing a stupid prank on a friend, but got it back when my father went to the school.
2) I received Christ when I was 8
3) I started serving in church when I was 10
4) I used to pray for toys
5) I got my first stitch in my face at 11 - 20 stitches in total
6) I got punched for the first and only time when I was 12
7) I had my first and only operation to remove my appendix when I was 12
8) I got 240 for my PSLE

Then we move on to the teenage years of Secondary School:
1) I retained in Secondary 3, my L1R5 at the end of that year was 48
2) I made student council exco member in that year too
3) In that same year, I was the only exco member to not have gone for obs
4) I got 14 for L1R5 for O Levels
5) I got my first job at 15 doing sales at Takashimaya

In the post-Secondary years:
1) I had 3 CCAs in school - Shooting (Vice-Chair); Track and Field (Shot-put); Health and Fitness Club
2) I flunked my A levels, C D E B4, or barely passed if you must
3) I was class chair for both years
4) I started drinking more regularly
5) I went to a club for the first time

In my army days:
1) Probably most hated platoon mate in BMT
2) Platoon best in SISPEC
3) Commissioned as an Officer of the Singapore Armed Forces
4) Platoon Commander of Pasir Ris Node / MTO to 1st CDO Bn
5) Defending Officer for numerous cases at SAF Courts
6) I went to the subordinate courts for the first time in my life - and never stopped going even till I was clearing my leave

Post Army days:
1) Working as a service provider
2) Lazy - took me 3 weeks, after registration, to go down to submit my transcripts to SIM
3) Hardly exercise anymore


Looking back at all the things where I should have made my life matter, none of it seems to have made much of a difference. Part of my laziness has caused me to leave out other stuff that I've done wrong. I have also deliberately left out church till this point.

Where am I going with God?
I told a friend this once, "I only believe enough." As I expected, "that's the scary part of it all, you just believing enough." I can't believe more than I do today, there is nothing more to believe in. I've tried over the years to believe in more than I did, but I've lost that flame, if there was ever one. I want help, I know I do, but I also know that it's not just about the talk, it's more than the talk that matters. I've cried out for help before, maybe in a very subtle manner, but I did ask, yet no one responded, no one that could help responded. I suppose it's too late now, or rather, that's my decision, that it's too late now.

I look at my decade old friends that are getting together, how they have God in the center of their lives. To me, I suppose that's possible, but I don't think I'll ever come to that now, or in the near future, maybe after I'm married or something. Maybe it's a generational curse of some sort, but who cares? I am not the ideal Christian guy that many girls want, I only just believe enough. To my decade old friends, I am still behind you all the way, if only you would make those words mean more than just words.

Now, I look back at one similarity that has occurred over the last 22years, I have been constantly making friends. From my first friend in Nursery School, whom I have obviously forgotten, to the newest friend that I've just made a few days a go, I am still making friends. The question that one could ask will be, are they really friends, or just merely acquaintances?

I've lost many friends over the years, and some of them I thought I had found back, and some of them I did, and some of them have stuck to me for the last 6 years. To how I lost those friends over the years, it's the usual, lack of communication, different beliefs, different interests, some through the unusual means of death. Having lost so many friends, I ask myself why? Did I not make those friendships count? I don't think that I entirely did, if not would I have lost them?

Character plays an important role in a friendship, and I must admit, I've got a pretty screwed up character. Being hot and cold at random times of the day, I've caused many to leave me. Pride and prejudice has caused many to turn a blind eye to me. Being busy has caused many to think that I've neglected them. It's never ending the character flaws that I possess.

I can't turn back time and change the way things were, though sometimes I wish I could. After typing all this, I don't know what I stand to gain, just a reflection on life I suppose. Initially, I wanted to change from a lot of this, but I realised that I can't change a lot of it, because a lot of it is me, and who I was made to be. The things that I've been doing in recent months can change though, how I lead my life and what I plan to do with my future. These are things that I must carry out properly. A task that only I can carry out.

Posted by charles at 12:14 AM