Sunday, April 20, 2008

sigh. decided to blog on this rather sensitive issue.

i hate hospitals. there seems to be so much pain and hurt, emptiness and loneliness when i go there. in the last 9 days, i've been there at least 3 times, both my grandparents are there, one then the other. my grandfather is out already though. my grandmother has been in since i was in thailand. only moving from ttsh to amk and now back to ttsh.

every time i went there, you really see the pain in the eyes of the people in there. especially the old and the uneducated. the loneliness they face for most of the day when no one is there for them. some calling out in their sleep for attention from sons or daughters that have abandoned them. or those that are simply just calling out for help from a soiled bed.

i can hardly talk to my grandmother. she speaks hokkien, or mandarin. the former i completely am clueless about, the latter i wont say i'm a master of it. and even then, she has hardly anything to talk about. even at her place, it's either about some tv series she always watching, or about army - and even then on the surface. i dont know how to reach out to her. people offer to pray for her, which nowadays she accepts the offers - even closing her eyes and all, but she never accepts Him for her. when i'm there at the hospital, i can only hold her arm and assure her with my touch. for her, when she's lying there in bed, i see emptiness in her eyes. especially when she's just lying there, and only i'm in the room, so hard to talk, to say anything to her, or vice versa.

with my grandfather, he can speak english, there's a bit more to talk about. but a lot of times he really is just spouting nonsense. although knowing i cant speak cantonese, he'll still shuffle in between english and cantonese, and mostly nonsense when it's cantonese. he too is a hard nut to crack, many people try to reach out to him, all my aunts friends and all, but also quite difficult.

sigh. for all who really dont know, and that actually makes all, talking about this makes me sad. please pray. not for me, but for my aunt. she's the only one looking after both of them, thankfully she's woken up and is finally getting a maid. i know she's crying a lot these days, and i feel really sad. i want to chip in, but camp doesnt really allow me to.

i know i can be happy the next time i go to the hospital. at least i hope so. between now and then, i pray that nothing happens. however i fear what happens after that. sigh.

Posted by charles at 10:49 PM